This is the exact kind of moment where I would be so happy to get wasted right now, and I mean wasted. I would just quickly go to my car and drive to the liquor store. Grab a bunch of beer. Probably like 24 bottles. Hey, today is Saturday night, I have one day tomorrow which will be Sunday to spend the whole day trying to get over my hangover.

I want to drink right now because of this sinking feeling of loneliness in me. It hurts. Even though my mother is in the next room watching TV. I honestly think I am a loser. I feel like life is passing me by, and just because I am single. Omg, are you fucking serious? At this point it’s not even a fuck but I miss the whole spooning thing and having someone sleeping next to me. I’ve only ever been in one longterm relationship, all the others just……. AM I fucking cursed or something? It’s just this sinking feeling….

I always pretend to be someone, but moments like these are where I meet the true me. Hey, hello there. It’s the true you, ahhh and it fucking hurts. I’ve never been happy with the looks of someone I dated. I mean there have been a couple of times where I was asked out by hot girls that looked good enough, but I always tried to seek out the most damaged and worst people due to my insecurities. I am a fucking control freak, maybe not as bad as I sometimes think, but my insecurities tend to make this problem worse.

Those 24 bottles of beer would really help me to wash the pain away. My self esteem was kind of damaged when I did the online dating thing in my teenage years. I had money. I worked hard, I had a cool car, but I could never pick up a girl. Hey, and I am not even that bad-looking, I’m average…. I guess my accent could be really a yes or no thing.

I do have someone showing attention but…idk lol I just think I am too messed up. We went out once but..idk she never texted me afterwards and I never texted her either. Too bad we work together. In a way I don’t understand I think she is bummed out that I haven’t texted her. I had a fucking nice talk with my other co-worker who said something stupid, that’s why I didnt talk to her. I just started laughing my ass off right now. I can’t believe this shit is actually cheering me up. It’s very dumb because before we even went out, there were already rumors in the office about me liking her, but I hadn’t done anything towards that. I was surprised because I think she fucking likes me. At least she was very happy when we went out, she even wanted to go somewhere to eat afterwards. She said,t do you want to stop and grab some food before we go and I thought… I thought wtf is she talking about? I thought, she wants to stop at Walmart. I was confused and then it hit me. Duh?

My little voice tells me that I can own her, but I know better. I can’t do that. I am trying really hard here to not invade her personal space. She can do whatever she wants, fuck whoever she likes, and it’s not any of my business. I guess my biggest problem here is that she doesn’t have it, the look. I’m not expecting a model, sorry if I sound like that, but I am tired of settling for fixer-upper girls with no looks. I think that’s what is helping me to control myself and not try to charm the shit out of her. I know I am mean and too judgmental, I am sure I am ugly as fuck, probably uglier than her.

I guess it hurts cause she has a list of thirsty guys. That’s where I get jelly, but deep down I have a tiny feeling she likes me, but then I ask myself why am I even jelly if I don’t truly like her? It’s really hard for me to talk because I dont trust myself and I don’t know whether what I feel/think is true, basically I am not sure whether my instincts are right.

Actually I need to take my time and appreciate this, because if I was still in my drinking addiction I would have never made a connection with anyone, simply because I wouldn’t care enough to take the time to go out anywhere, drinking was always the first thing in my life. I just don’t know what the not texting thing is.. is this a power play or what?

I know she would make me happy. That’s even more conflicting. My coworker told me way before this whole thing that the girl probably likes me because I am mean. I guess in a way I am chaotic. I know any other guy in my place would have texted her with all the bullshit “oh I had a great time with you today” after she dropped him off but instead I not only didn’t text her, but I kept my distance from her at work.

Is this what it’s like to have relationships while living sober? It drives me crazy cause it’s such an unknown. I want to know, but at the same time I am too insecure and scared to deal with it. I am glad that I had the guts to admit that to myself. I guess that’s a start.

Update. That was just a crush. I am totally not attracted to her. I am glad it’s over.

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