The popular idea back then was to run away from alcohol and abstain any places and people that had anything to do with it. I was so fired on changing myself. I am gonna change everything in my life including who I am…
I guess the reason why I had to go back to my parents is because I couldn’t get in into any sober houses. I kept on calling and calling but I would either get voice mail or that they are full.
I think at the end it all worked out for my best interest because sober houses, free ones aren’t the best place to stay. Plus they usually are in unsafe neighborhoods, don’t really feel like getting shot or robbed.
I don’t know what it was call it God or whatever but I was able to find a job close to my house and I don’t even had to sacrifice pay rate. I think once you quit your addiction good things start to happen. I dont know why but they do.
So my counselor asked me this question ” You going home now so what’s different?” Actually it was a tough question for me because I was going to the place where alcohol and drunkenness is an open thing, although my parents had promised to drink in a way that it won’t bother me. It lasted a week. Of course it won’t last I knew that from the beginning and honestly I know now that it’s my problem not theirs.
So I sat in front of my counselor in her office thinking that’s a fucked up question to ask. So what’s really different, I asked myself? I was going back to the same situation that I left right before going to the hospital and then rehab. I wanted to say nothing is different but I knew that wasn’t the right answer. I kept on thinking like for four minutes and something suddenly clicked in my head, I am different, that’s what’s different now, it led me to a powerful realization. I am the owner of my sobriety. No one can make me do anything and no one ever did. I been told that before but my brain just hadn’t digested in the way that I can use till that moment.. I did this to myself and now I have the power to not do it again. It was a beginning of a road for me where I am taking responsibility of not drinking. I won’t lie it’s a very hard thing to do and I am still in progress.
If you think about it it’s a scary thing knowing that the only person or thing I will be able to blame for my relapse is me. Fuck it’s harsh, but at the same way it frees me and my deepest worries. I feel more comfortable in the only constant thing in life which is change. No one can make me ever drink again. I don’t have to live in hell and pain anymore if I choose to not relapse. I think that is something that people have hard time doing, taking responsibility for their own sobriety when they try to quit. Urges, cravings mixed with perfect excuses can be very tricky to deal with at the beginning especially if you are not aware of how addiction works. By taking responsibility I actually killed all those perfect excuses to go back to drinking since I can only blame myself if I pick up that drink. All I am left with is dealing with that voice in my head that surely knows how to talk me into doing stuff. Something I need to pay close attention to but in no way it can be an excuse to drink. If it can talk me in I can surely talk myself out. I don’t spend time worrying who drinks or not anymore, my feelings don’t get hurt and I don’t waist my time on blaming others. It’s powerful. If I feel I am being overwhelmed or triggered I simply remove myself from that situation. After all I am defender of my own sobriety and no one can make me do anything.