Seeing so many people relapse recently put me on alert. Its like a cold shower because I don’t want to end up like that. My sobriety is very new and fragile baby. I am not happy for people who relapsed, I feel their pain but for me its evidence that relapse isnt very wise decision. There is no escape if you always have to come back. I mean fuck, I would hate to relapse right now. Just thinking about going backwards….One guy relapsed after 6 months, the other one after few months.

Sometimes I feel a little bit better about my addiction, because its alcohol. I assume its easier for me then other people who are addicted to opiates. Its a good thing that I never smoked weed or tried other drugs, that would have just complicated my recovery.

The guy who relapsed after 6 months I saw it coming. His behavior kept on changing. Its like the shit was just bottling up till it exploded. He has emotional issues and stuff. That made me thinking you know, there is no magic to relapsing. It doesn’t just happen one second…that’s a relief . It means I can do a lot of things today to prevent tomorrows relapse like working on mindfulness so I can spot my shitty feelings and why they are there so I can find a solution for that. Its easier said then done of course. I been coloring a lot. It helps to relieve stress and become more mindful. I need to start meditating, just 10 minutes a day. Its not hard but i never seem to do it. One person in smart meeting today said there is no point in having bunch of tools in your toolbox if you dont use it. Practice, practice and practice, thats what I need. Honestly my mind is overflown and I dont even picked out my main tools yet just using abstract things. I need to think what works for me so if anyone asks me I know.

So coloring seems good, that’s a tool number one. Meetings help too, the big one that I like and hate at the same time is intensive outpatient program. Its 4 days a week now, but it will drop to 2 days afterwards. I guess i hate it because I have hard time falling asleep when i get home afterwards, and I have to be up early in the morning. The reason is because its fucking intensive. I been in the morning iop it wasnt as intensive. I guess it all depends of who runs it. The bottom line is that I get out a lot from it, but i hate it because i have to make myself to calm down afterwards.

So I have two tools and writing on this blog is my third I guess which I intend to keep private. If I start meditation it will be 4th, thats not bad. I need to work on becoming social but with work I can barely do anything, I am not complaining, I love working. My energy is low but I think its getting better as I don’t ridiculously just sleep and go to work all the time when I used to do when drinking..Huh? It makes me think now that I might be doing progress in social aspect as I go to iop and meetings. Its more socializing then I ever did before. Thats why I like typing shit out, it makes me to realize a lot of things….

At the end, I cant take my sobriety for granted especially now when it is still so fragile, need to be more vigilant and keep an eye so i dont make stupid mistake and relapse.

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