My biggest fear is how I am gonna stay sober. My biggest problem is lack of social skills or more like being comfortable with myself in social situations. I still get sick sometimes while waiting for my turn to speak in intensive outpatient program. I get this fucking anxiety from nowhere, my heart racing, I feel nauseous and feel like I am having a mini alcohol withdrawal even though in my head I am not shy or anything. Its really weird way how my body reacts and spits out all these feelings.

I could always keep conversations in the past but I guess talking about things that are related to my problems and alcohol addiction really fucks me up. I guess maybe i am in like mini denial when it comes to social situations, I am very quiet by nature so on top of that add depressant which alcohol is and I can only hold stupid conversations without any meaning which are usually are about the current things that are happening. I could never talk much about myself because there was nothing for me to say. I was hardcore self isolator. I mean all I would do is go to work, liquor store afterwards (fucking highlight of the day) and drink myself to sleep. Well internet and video gaming. So I mean what I am gonna say. Talk about how I vomited in the morning or how I am freaking out because I am not sure how bad of hangover I will have or maybe this time it will be withdrawal.

My mind would always be occupied with racing thoughts and my body would hurt as faaak. Since I worked in environmental services at the hospital my goal was just to get the right schedule where I can finish work as fast as possible and that there would be plenty of non busy public bathrooms in the area so I can hide.

One of the worst experiences at work was when one day I was all fucking hungover and they put me to work in emergency room. I didn’t expect that to happen that day. I was so screwed. Omg. So nauseous and all that acid. Acid, thats one of the worst things after racing heart to deal with. My face was all fucking read as fuck. Honestly idk how I made it that day. I was literally dying there. Had to frequently run away to public bathrooms, I swear while working at hospitals that was my thing, and that time even had to use janitorial utility room. Guess what did I do a day after?

Thats what makes it so insane when I think about it. That vicious cycle. I felt trapped and continued to fall further and further. My obsession was so deep with alcohol. I would always end up at the same place, doing same thing. There was no fucking way I could have stopped by myself. I was literally saved by all the people  who saw how much I actually desired to quit and made rehab possible for me.

That was the nicest thing in life that strangers have done for me.

Fuck, ,

Remembering this stuff really fueled me up now. I need to never forget it. So my biggest fear is actually failing and messing up. I don’t think that I have unconditionally accepted my sobriety yet. I think that’s why I questioning my sobriety. I still cant see myself staying sober long term, but I want to stay..I have all these contingencies on staying sober. I need to find good friends that I can relay on and trust, still have no one, become self employed, be socially confident and on and on…..I have none, I mean I am still in search of job. Frustration kicks in and Im fucked.

All I really want is normal and simple things, nothing special so I am gonna validate my own feelings. Yes, my feelings are valid.

At the end I am just gonna say that remembering how I got here really helped me out to ease the frustration that I have been feeling lately. I was so frustrated that I am being sober but yet I am not able to accomplish all those contingencies that I have mentioned above.

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