Usually when I have a craving or an urge, I try to suppress it and fight it off, but this time it was different. I let myself feel it all the way. I have no idea how I have not relapsed yet. I felt all of the excitement that drinking brings, tried to remember the taste of it, and that initial buzz. My brain went completely crazy. Part of me was just tired of fighting. I don’t get people who say that they don’t have many urges. I get them all the time and it’s not getting any easier, just old.
This is the fourth day since this urge, and it is still on my mind, and I can’t fucking shake it off. I even had one of those weird dreams about relapsing; in the dream I drank two beers, it was either Blue Moon or Samuel Adams because of the type of bottle that I can remember from my dream. This disturbed me even more because while sleeping I was aware of my relapsing. I chose not to tell anyone because it was only two beers. I remember feeling regret afterwards, maybe that’s why I didn’t pick up my third one. In the dream it felt like I’d built my sobriety on lies. Rules were broken now. Technically it wouldn’t be a big deal, it’s only two beers, but what’s stopping me from getting just one more and one more afterwards?
Relapsing can’t be taken lightly, because once it becomes a norm, then you are totally fucked. I wouldn’t want to be in the cycle of falling and getting up, and yet I still have a hard time imagining myself being sober for the rest of my life.
I have been falling into my old ways. I think that’s expected. The rehab hype is coming down. I don’t feel that special anymore. I am glad I have taken responsibility for my own sobriety. That’s what prevented me from picking up that beer when I let myself feel the craving all the way. The reason was simple, I had no one or nothing to blame it on. If I mess up, it’s going to be my own fault, and I mean it is so not logical for me to start drinking right now. I’ve put so much effort and so many hours into it. To start all over again would be too unpleasant. Why go through the same stupid shit again. I know that I can’t control my drinking. I can probably manage it for a short period of time, till it gets all out of control. I am doing so much better now than I was while drinking. Recovery is not supposed to be just rainbows and unicorns. I can’t expect easy, or I will fail. I need to give myself a lot of sober time so I can understand what being sober looks like. Less chaos and pain for sure.
Going through this hell can be beneficial. It’s an experience. I am rewiring my brain from saying yes to drinking, to saying no, it’s not okay to drink. So by feeling my urge all the way and not acting on it, I am reshaping my automatic response to what I do when I have the urge. I am hopeful that one day it will take less pain and effort to deal with my urges, but for now I need to embrace the struggle.