I need to talk about hope.
Hope is everything to me. Hope is what got me through the doors into rehab. Hope is why I wanted to become clean so badly. Hope is why I will fail at my sobriety because it is all I ever known…
In my drinking days, I was living either in my past or future, and my future was full of hope. I always lived in the illusion of better me. When shit would start rolling down all I would do is go to my happy place, hope. That’s how I never cared about the present, I knew tomorrow will be better…
I became sober, honestly, because of all the benefits, I thought hope will bring me. It hasn’t. I don’t seem to learn my lesson. I am too addicted to hope. I mean how can hope be bad when all we hear in early days of sobriety is positivity and more positivity? Stay positive, negativity will take you down they say.
I cant let hope to be my driving force anymore. A lot of negativity actually does come from ridiculously big hope. It is so hard to let go. Hope is parasite and I am tired of living in something that I will never have…
I am very good at tricking myself to think good things but I think I deserve the truth.
Sobriety isn’t amazing. Sobriety is living the life without trying to alter it with chemical substances. I am having very hard time so far doing that. Sometimes I even take naps just so I can escape the pain, frustration and disappointment. I feel like a looser for not having what I need and want for that matter. It wont get better anytime soon and by hoping for better I just going to complicate my recovery. The road of pain awaits me. I need to learn how to live without having all those things and most importantly saying no to alcohol.
Fuck you hope for teasing me and making me to believe in illusion of nothing

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