It’s been a complicated road so far. Just yesterday I experienced one of the most hurtful cravings I’ve had so far, which was triggered by two girls and a guy in the Walmart parking lot. I was just standing there sabotaging myself like every Thursday by binge smoking cigarettes, and I see these two people sitting in the car. A while later I find out that they are waiting for their friend, who unloaded a huge ass bottle of vodka. College kids having a party. My heart just sank. I wanted to curl into a ball at that moment, that was how much it hurt. This has been one of the most hurtful experiences I’ve experienced. I wanted to fucking cry but had no tears.

This whole week has been filled with triggers. I’m coming to find out how dangerous long weekends are for me. Three days off, well four if you include Friday night because of Memorial Day, and I go completely crazy. I don’t seem to be in peace during my days off anymore. Being around people stresses me out and yet now I have difficulty being alone as well. Where did being content go away?

Friday night after work has become a huge trigger

I’ve never had this problem before. Now I do and I need to find a solution quickly. I have been observing myself while going through this insanity on Friday nights. It is a complicated thing to deal with, the whole Friday night excitement, especially in summer time. When you’re around people (at work mostly) you can’t protect yourself from feeling the vibe, hey I was just like them and Friday nights were always filled with joy and that excitement of getting wasted. There is no greater pleasure in the world than running to the liquor store as fast as possible after work and once at home chugging that beer down your throat. When you hit that moment of fuck yeah and enormous pleasure floods your brain. I am sorry, hopefully I didn’t just trigger you. I’m coming to find out that I have a hard time transitioning from the workday to free time, mostly due to trying to seek out pleasure. It’s understandable; after all I’ve been working hard all week, especially this one. Working a lot+beer= ultimate pleasure to me. Now I am fucked. While all my coworkers are trying to hurry up so they can go seek out their pleasure, I get none. How can you possibly deal with that? I thought I was supposed to have this issue in the first days of stopping drinking, not 6 months in..

Low energy and digestion problems

I seriously overlooked this issue, and it affects my recovery greatly. Did you know that digestion issues can cause anxiety and even depression? Anxiety? I guess there are a lot of nerves that are connected to the brain through the spinal cord. Irritable bowel syndrome can be a serious issue and I don’t seem to be able to solve it. I went to the doctor, but all he did was prescribe me some over the counter anti-acid. That helped me for a week till I started having constipation. Every time you take medications you just end up having even more side effects. It doesn’t solve anything. I have been trying to juice myself, but who wants to do that? Energy increase/health needs to become one of my highest priorities. I am making changes: I went on a blueberry binge, made some celery juice, and cut down significantly on processed foods because my body’s having a hard time digesting them. It’s unpleasant when your heart starts racing, your anxiety goes up, and the only way I managed to stop that shit is to vomit. I am not fucking anorexic.

I can’t accomplish anything if I am always tired, no matter how much I want it. I must humbly admit that food influences my mood and sobriety for that matter. I don’t want to hear that! I already have given up the most pleasurable thing in my life, drinking. Food has been my secret source of a tiny pleasure and I can’t enjoy it anymore? My misery continues to increase…

When urge to drink comes, my brain splits in half

Honestly there was a time not too long ago when urges just went away. All I had were my mood, digestion, low energy, and unhappiness issues.  Now I have these massive cravings. It makes my body shake, that’s how much I want to drink. My brain just fucking splits in half, like two parents fighting (hey, who didn’t have that trauma while growing up?) and I am essentially stuck in the middle. I have totally forgotten about using dialectical thinking. “I want to drink but I don’t have to.” I remember how much I liked that in rehab. It was one of my favorite coping skills. Ahh memories.

The worst experience ever is when your brain says “DRINK, DRINK, DRINK” and the other half is like “NOO”, I am just stuck there by my car smoking cigarettes as hard as I can till I get so dizzy that I am about to pass out. It is truly the definition of pain. That’s the only time when I take out a calendar and use my phone to calculate how many days I have been sober. At that moment I am truly in the middle. Going to any kind of meeting at that point, either Alcoholics Anonymous or Smart Recovery, or even texting someone, is everything. I think AA did save me this Friday; it was so bad that I truly didn’t want to be in my body. Yes, I would have definitely gotten drunk if I hadn’t gotten rid of my excuses and taken full responsibility for myself. Still being in a victim role is another thing that leads to relapsing. Accepting that there is nothing or anyone in the world that can make me drink besides me cuts the excuses out and puts the pressure on me. What decision will I make? Am I ready to take full responsibility for relapsing? My mind travels back in time, playing tape through, not about the horrors of drinking anymore but all that insane effort that I have been putting into my sobriety. I have earned my sobriety day by day, it wasn’t given to me. I invested enormous effort and countless hours, I dealt with cravings every fucking day for weeks sometimes. Emotions kept on being insane, I had nightmares that damaged me psychologically… why go back to the beginning instead of moving forward? I know what it’s like to be in the middle, why would I want to be stuck between relapsing and sobriety. I need to pick a side…

 

Its a true definition of insanity wanting to go back to drinking after how much pain alcohol has caused me

Accepting that I need to take action if I want things to become better

I am truly taking myself out of the role of victim. That said I take full responsibility for my well being. I have encountered problems regarding taking action. Humans will do anything to avoid taking action, Action seems to be the hardest thing in our lives. That said, it’s extremely hard to do anything when I feel all depressed for example, but I have to. Giving into depression and just laying there in bed, which I usually do, is not an option anymore. Same goes for my health and juicing. Not juicing and not changing my diet is not an option anymore. The truth is that diet affects my recovery very much. I need strength and energy to deal with all-day stresses, as well as mental strength to take various social risks and to try something new, which I have been lacking lately due to poor health.

Hardships and cravings in early recovery are there to test me, to test how badly I really want this

I am fucked as soon as I admit to myself that this is impossible or too hard to stay sober. It’s like being defeated before I even get defeated. There are moments where I don’t know how I am staying sober. I am still very uncomfortable with not drinking. I need to realize that I am going through a lot, my whole body is in shock. I have to find ways to release my stress and not go crazy. I see why it is a long process. It would be a big mistake to look at this long term instead of one day at a time. This is war, and I am being tested pretty much every day, my strength is at this moment, now. Every time I go through an enormous craving and overcome temptation, my self esteem grows. It opens the door to self loving, I am starting to like myself. I could never like myself while in the midst of my addiction. Loving and wanting yourself is everything. Why would anyone want me if I don’t want myself? This was my mistake of trying to sell myself, thinking that was how I would raise my self esteem. By not letting alcoholism define me, I become someone worthy in my own eyes; sobriety is reserved only for the toughest people. Hardships are changing me. It’s only during hardships that I grow in every way and transform to become someone better.

 

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