The road to sobriety is unknown unless you can experience it yourself. For me is mind blowing that I was able to get sober and still am despite all the mental pain that I have to experience. Day to day uneasiness and having unsolvable thought of can I continue this way? I often choose to avoid thinking because I don’t know. It’s not the life I used to live and all things seem strange now. It’s the best just to crawl into a corner somewhere in my room and never peek out, because it’s safer this way.
When I try to analyze myself I continue to see the same pattern of repeating same actions during my days, it has become all about safety these days. Going to alcoholics anonymous or smart meetings would feel weird. I am starting to feel ashamed of my state and problems of inactivity.
Do you ever become frusturated while watching pointless tv, but yet too scared to turn it off? Becoming sober was all about big dreams, I assume you have to be a little wacky to make your first days without alcohol? Why am I mentioning this? Only because I am trying to keep myself accountable to my goals. I am in awe that all my inspiration just poofed away. Can it be true that we only do things to avoid pain? Why so suddenly when my post acute withdrawals are subsiding I suddenly loose interest in everything?
I don’t know where I am going or more accurately I just realized how fucked I am… Alcohol was everything to me. It conquered almost ever thought and that is so fucked up! “Drink drink drink, omg how will I get through this hangover? please god(yes, even God for someone who claims to be non believer) help me get through this one, only this last time…
I need to bulldoze myself out of this. Stop being a pussy. Distraction can’t any longer rule me; I can’t afford it.
I am really glad that my current employer has excellent healthcare insurance, can’t wait to finish my probation period. I need to find someone to talk to because talking to yourself wont solve any problems. No time to be shy, I remember talking to a therapist while in rehab was a huge help to me, in a way it relieved many of my stresses.