I am glad I was able to talk about this problem today in intensive outpatient program. Actually I didn’t even know I had it and if not yesterdays post crying about my fears and problems I would have never realized that.
So my goal is to pass this stage where I have shitload of contingencies on staying sober and work towards accepting my sobriety unconditionally. I think thats where a lot of my frustrations came from lately. I felt like, okay I am sober but I haven’t gotten all these things like having good friends, finding a job, becoming self employed and the list goes on and on…
This thing is hard to do but it needs to be done if I want to have any chance of staying sober for the long term. My sobriety cant have any contingencies because I will fail. I guess speaking out about it today I made sure I cant play the victim in case I start drinking. You know how it goes, all those excuses “oh I didn’t find any friends and I felt lonely” and even my past hurts or events that lead me to these great excuses why am I drinking. I cant accept excuses anymore because one of the biggest thing that I have learned in rehab is that we have choices. I get to choose to pick up that drink today or not. So I guess my sobriety is matter of choice uh? I am not going to give myself any excuses by saying alcoholism is a disease and I am powerless. All I know is that I am not completely powerless. If I would be completely powerless I assume I would be still drinking today although I agree that there are things about drinking where I do loose my power over. Well, I guess its both but whats great about this disease is that we do have choices. I can either die from it or die with it. I prefer to die with it but I wish it was that easy. I really do not know what the future holds and you know I am not going to spend time focusing on it instead I will work towards increasing my odds of staying sober.
I see this whole thing like a mastery. If I can do this, I open the gates to the new world where I gain this power of making the right choices for myself. I know it will change me because thats the only way how I can master my sobriety is by changing me and If I change myself the whole world around me will change. I will be able to see the things differently. I think that sounds crazy that we can change our worlds by changing this thing called perception.
So unconditional sobriety is the key for changing my perception. There is nothing that drinking can make better. It can only make me feel better for the short term (then all these hangovers and withdrawals come in) but even then I have to deal with all these negative consequences like fucking up things… basically I just go backwards. Instead of making things better for myself I make them worst and now I have to put so much effort just to make back to my starting point. So what are really the benefits of drinking if it destroys and makes my life unmanageable?