I am not religious or a big believer in God but somehow I  used to listen to this song while in my addiction. I would get drunk, and this song would make me cry because I felt hopeless. I never thought that I could quit drinking. And look at me now, even after getting fired from the job I am still sober. For the first time, I didn’t have to lie about anything to what happened, but they fired me anyways.

People don’t understand that someone like me has nothing to lie about anymore. There was only one thing that made me do it, addiction. My insanity to satisfy my compulsion. They thought that I lied about knowing that I did damage to the door (it was imprint), so quick to judge. No matter how upset I was after getting fired I still had the guts to ask if I can cover the damages. They said no, but I still sent out a check for $500. I can walk away with my dignity knowing that I did my best.

Sobriety opens your eyes

To how insane and compulsion driven is this world. People willing to sell out anything for that $1 raise, they will walk over you. It’s an actual insanity. I am not excluding myself here either. I was willing to die for those few drinks even if they didn’t provide me any pleasure anymore. Pleasure is a driving force. I am so fucking lucky that I don’t have to poison myself anymore, not with liquid. It is mind boggling when you learn to surrender to cravings, boredom, pain, things not working out the way you would like them to. My eyes are slowly opening up to how many obsession controlled me and still do.

Surrender brings peace

I quietly ask myself was I like that? How could I have been so blind to what I was doing to myself? I couldn’t stop just because I was scared of letting go of pleasure. I kept ignoring my problem over and over again. I imagined how I would get sober when in reality I have little control over things. My control freak needs to retire. At the beginning of my sobriety, I even tried to control my cravings, negotiate what I need to have, be given to stay sober without realizing that becoming sober is a gift itself. It’s not the length of sobriety that changes things but experiencing the road itself. The will to accept the way and surrender to the things you can’t control.

 

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