My last thanksgiving
I was hammered. I was hopeless. I was drunk. Drinking enormous amounts and starting to use diazepines because I couldn’t handle hangovers anymore. Its funny that it is hard to remember exactly what I was doing last thanksgiving even though this year flew by.
I think I was lost somewhere downtown. My debit card was stolen and I was a victim. Crying and whining quietly to myself and whole world, wanting someone to see past my drunkenness and save me.
My imagination was running wild. I assume its one of the side effects when you abuse alcohol? I did imagine things to the point that it is too shameful to share.
I was poisoning my body just because I deserve. I deserve to be happy. Every drunky does, especially someone like me who spends all my time alone and was such a victim -that was sarcastic of course.
I was frustrated and trigger to drink but in no way did I had a mentality of a victim. I didn’t want anyone to save me. I was taking responsibility for my own actions. I wanted to drink but I wasn’t jealous of anyone drinking. I worked on getting passed this day. I used the time to reflect on myself and I realized I dont know how to celebrate.
All my past holidays would just involve eating and boozing. Well boozing for the most part and waking up with major hangover all shaky and puky. I mean what is celebration? I dont think that poisoning yourself is true celebration. Its just numbing yourself to the point where you loose all your motor skills and hurt your body.
Do you love yourself? If yes, why would you want to hurt you? You see I always had a childish outlook about decision making. The right decision must be pain free but it isn’t. I am glad that I went against all pain and stayed sober this thanks giving. You know why? Because eventually things pass by and we get left off with the after party consequences. Mine are: plus one point to my self esteem, stronger ability to say no to instant gratification, no hangover and embarrassment, I dont have any regrets about drunk decisions. Whats yours?