It’s fascinating that once a year right before it ends we make these promises to ourselves, mostly due guilt, that next year things will be different. We will magically change.
Fuelled by holiday hangover, nausea, some of us even withdrawal and definitely by the shame of fucking up, we excitedly declare our sobriety. This is the story of how to never reach that goal, although I made 30 days sober following by a celebration afterward called ” binge drinking.” I was fucking thirsty.

I quit my job to get sober

So one night I was drinking and thinking about my faked up life and thought to myself: “my drinking makes my work hell, the constant shame of having a red face, anxiety, vomiting and trying to pretend that no one knows about my secret problem.” I felt so tired and exhausted from the constant fight just to pretend that I am okay. I would be either trying to manage the damage or freaking running to liquor store all doped up for the next fix, never thinking about tomorrow…
As I got drunker that night, liquid kept on giving me more courage to think about sobriety.  Imagination started running wild, and I concluded that abstinence would make me instantly successful, wealthy, happy and irresistibly attractive. I did start feeling attractive, there will be a lot of girls for me now.-I thought
Unfortunately the next day I woke up half drunk with shitty taste in my mouth instead. I needed an excuse to keep on drinking that day; you know that feeling when you nurse your hangover with beer? It’s a fuking bliss. Plus how will I drive myself to work when I am a little drunk? So sobriety it is!- I said in my mind, but now I need to drag myself to the liquor store for a little drinky poo celebration.
Once I finally sobered up, a few days later, my guilt was smothering me. Shame became an ocean that I was drowning in. The only thing that can fix that is an attempt to quit drinking for real.

You are not an alcoholic

I had a right idea at the beginning, admit that I have a drinking problem and try to seek professional help no matter how uncomfortable I felt, but that did not happen. I made a mistake of opening myself to my family. Its a 50% chance, either they will support you or declare that you are not an alcoholic, real alcoholics are homeless and sleep under bridges plus they drink way more than you do. You just need to cut how much you drink. Don’t you ever consider going to rehab because it will stay on your record (like someone gives a fuck that you addicted). Being surrounded by other addicts will be no benefit to you, they are a low life, who knows you might even start doing harder drugs? Merely overpower, suck it up and stop being so weak. What is so complicated about not buying alcohol?

They might even manipulate you into drinking and then blame you for getting too drunk the next morning. You would never expect such an evil, but alcohol has infiltrated our culture and behavior so profoundly that your family might try to save their image when it comes to being alcohols bitch.

Ignoring the whole world

I was jobless (by choice) and given my family’s advice, the only way for me to sober up was to power through time so I chose to drink coffee and play video games all those 30 days of my short-lived sobriety. It was perfect cause I was already too ashamed of asking for help outside myself. Doing nothing usually accomplishes nothing but that didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t capable of breaking the barrier of being a loner.

I will just read a few books about quitting drinking

Oh boy, let me tell you about the relief I felt when I read them. It was music to my ears. Their astonishing claims of how easy it will be to quit drinking intoxicated me to the point that even after relapsing I still kept on reading them like a bible whishing it will make me sober. I nodded agreeing with everything that was written and rated most of them five stars. They are okay as a supplement to keep oneself dry but they will never come close to going to rehab, intensive outpatient program, meetings or having an addiction therapist. Books cannot provide human connection that is crucial to recovery. My most profound realizations came from being around others with the same problems not from books that promise to cure or even help you control the drinking. There is no control in addiction.

Not understanding recovery

It was easy not to drink for the first week. My hangovers motivated me, could manage my cravings using will and was floating in the bright cloud. After physical detox that lasted over a week post-acute withdrawal symptoms started to occur. WTF is that? I became irritable, exhausted, stomach started spewing acid, anxiety took over, and I started having panic attacks. Thoughts kept on repeating themselves: “drink, drink, drink,” Recovery is not being sober for a week, it is about building inner strength to deal with things. It is not jumping on another drug to replace your alcohol addiction but surrendering yourself to the pain and experiencing it fully even if it means having panic attacks, crying or going insane. I did not know that back then at my first attempt to quit drinking till I got over myself and got help.

Get help, or you will fail. Even with help, there is no guarantee of success. Recovery is prolonged and it is an eternity that breaks you down not the ability to say no to alcohol.

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