Secret thoughts about the happy ending are the main reason why many people like me get sober. Quitting drinking will change my life, things will work out correctly just like in those midday tv dramas where goodness wins over bad. This picture in the head is quietly inspiring. It makes me go and go despite all of the post acute withdrawal symptoms that are crippling me down. The hope has such power that it changes how I view the world. Now I can’t see wrong; I am so intoxicated that I become blind to reality. Every single shit looks amazing with so much meaning. Meaning is everywhere.
Yes, they fucking failed because of happy ending
I went into detox wanting to get sober with an understanding that there is no happy ending only pain, disappointment, frustration, and anxiety. I was ready to surrender and live out the rest of my life in the dark. I entered rehab pessimistically, and they filled me up with pointless hope.
Every time someone finishes the treatment or intensive outpatient program, they have a graduation party. I watched people so happy about graduating it’s almost like they are getting Ph.D. All this nonsense bullshit. They let them go filled up with hope(haha I refused all my graduation stuff) just to see them back in a few weeks.
All this nonsense shit that addicts come up with being hopeless, including me. If I was so hopeless I would not have unconsciously sought treatment. If I was so fucking hopeless I wouldn’t keep on drinking and hoping that someone will save me, flood me with their pity so I can bath in it for the rest of the life. If I were truly hopeless, I would have put down the bottle and hopelessly faced the pain instead of trying to run away… Is running away looks like being hopeless?
Any hope for the better future will fuck me. It will take away the focus from my present since compared to the future I am not happy yet.
Cold shower does Sober you up
I will never forget the addiction counselor implying that my drinking is my fault. No one made me drink at a gun point. I didn’t expect to hear that in rehab. I thought it’s not my fault, it’s the outside, all the problems, and circumstances that make me drink. Funnily I believed that she is unethical, doesn’t she know that I am hopeless? She has no shame or fear to make my situation even worse.
Her aggression didn’t stop there; she suggested that I should start taking responsibility for my actions, in this case not drinking. I was in awe, and angriness started flooding me. Luckily I am passive aggressive, so I didn’t start to argue with that, just pretended that she is right and I am taking her advice very well, at least that’s what she thought.
I like being hurt
Or hurting myself. Who would ever admit to liking being a victim? I have no idea what is like not to be, having all the power. I am so used to shying away and giving up on things by blaming it on others. It’s their fucking fault. Alcohol is addictive, my constant problems, all those unfortunate situations that find me and me always not being the lucky one. I wasn’t born rich with a golden spoon in my mouth like others. My life sucks, and it’s not my fault that I am an alcoholic, although calling myself an Alki still sounds kind of strange. Even after all of this?