It makes me cry inside, but once you establish this connection, there is little chance of it going away. We can pretend about miracles all we want, but they rarely happen. I love drinking. There are so many memories tied up to the times I drank alone. Alcohol got me good. I am scared of TIME because eventually, it will get me. The stigma is correct, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and all ongoing problems of relapse. I am an abuser, obsessor and most of all when you include beer with it…my pleasure multiplies by ten times especially if I managed to abstain for more than a year.

There is the reason why the word “IN RECOVERY” is used so much, no matter how long you been sober- this shit never ends. You trade the pain of addiction to painful recovery. Eventually, all the inspiration and pink cloud start to wear off. You keep on thinking about not drinking regularly to the point that it starts driving you crazy. There is no freedom because the drinking connection is unbreakable. It’s like a mother giving birth to a son who ends up being a serial killer, but she still loves him. I can lie and lie to myself about how much better is my life now but while in recovery I haven’t been myself at all. I am in the middle of nowhere, lost.

This mental pain and day to day grinding for sober days is getting old. I no longer proud or count the days. Thank God for spacing out and sleep. It is hard to admit how weak I am. Frustration sets in so do fear. The first taste of beer can temporarily fix this but at the same time send me to fuck it land. Unfortunately, I want both…That’s the reason why I always avoid discussing my sobriety; people can smell your weaknesses. I haven’t drawn a line between experiencing cravings to drink and ability to fight them. I have no explanation.

What if there is no solution to sobriety? If I pick up that bottle I will be fucked from the first sip I take, all that enormous effort to become sober will just go down the drain.

My sobriety depends on me being able to pretend. I love how people in alcoholics anonymous claim that they have no desire to drink anymore. Really? God has magically saved them, yet they still have to attend alcoholics anonymous for the rest of their lives and keep on telling in meetings how good is aa.

Where am I going?

I will not lie that my last drinking time pushed me through the barrier to get help. That was the moment to seize. When you close every door of possibility mind starts to adapt.- That’s what’s holding me now. I just need to hang on a little bit longer, remember that this is the time when change happens. Change doesn’t occur when things are going well… I will never be ready to quit drinking so why lie to myself about drinking one last time?

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