I had problems with my confidence and self esteem before I even started drinking. I isolated myself twice as long which is 12 years, I drank for 6. Big reason why I isolated myself is because I didn’t feel worthy or in other words less worthy then someone else. I still do feel this way till this day but since I discovered mindfulness I am aware of it.
Mindfulness blew my mind. I never understood what it is till i read two books “practicing the power of now” and “New earth”. Its written by the same author.
I first discovered this word while in rehab. They kept on repeating it. Mindfulness, mindfulness….In rehab we would have to put trash can between doors after leaving the bathroom cusz otherwise the door would lock and other person couldn’t get in till someone with the key unlocked it, people would forget so they posted a poster saying ” be mindful”…..I swear this word was following me everywhere, little did I knew back then how important it will become to me.
So after leaving rehab I started reading about it. Mindfulness freed me from my ego. I no longer identify myself with it. To explain better, ego is that voice in you that tells you what to do and how to act. Turns out I am not my thoughts nor what I feel. Thoughts come automatically I barely control them but yet I always thought it’s me. If a thought of me being not worthy would come in that’s what I would think I am. ” I am not worthy”…..
My biggest fear of leaving rehab is how am I going to fix myself? How will I ever become worthy, social, be able to do what I always wanted without feeling shy and insecure. Insecurities are my biggest problem because I was always told who I am by other people. I believed them, if they say thats who I am, well then, they must be right. For years I took all the negativity in, eventually that’s who my ego became, all broken. My ego started to hate himself…..My ego is hopeless and I don’t think that it can be saved. That’s how I felt, no matter what I will do after leaving rehab I cannot be saved. How will I ever change and improve myself? Thats not who I am! Indeed, except I never was who I thought I was….that blew my mind and freed me from everything. I am not my ego, I am awareness and life. That’s my new identity which helped me to detach from everything I ever was. It sounds insane but that meant that I was never hurt or messed up. I felt peace for the first time cusz turns out I don’t need to be saved.
I felt like I have gained power at that moment, all I need to do from now is be aware of what’s going on with me at any given time, which takes practice. My awareness has the capability to override my ego. That’s how mindfulness helps me to grow and take risks out of my comfort zone….
I did the most craziest thing for my self confidence today, I asked a random women which I thought I would feel extremely happy dating for her phone number. Who does that! I know in million years while identifying myself with my ego I wouldn’t have the capability to do that simply cusz my ego is not capable of that type of thing. I was rejected and if I was my ego now I would have been crushed to death but I am not! I am very happy with the progress my ego is making and it’s all thanks to my ability to detach from it. Even if I was rejected this has psychologically  opened new possibilities. It was the first time ever when I have escaped from being held hostage by my ego. I am not going to lie it took me almost whole day. I went to public places and observed myself, how my ego was fighting this idea of asking a stranger for their phone number. I let my ego fight it all it wanted till it finally wore itself out. Then it happened, 5 hours later I just walked to the stranger and asked for her number. It was awkward, creepy and super uncomfortable. I need to expose myself to these type of situations, it wasn’t about getting the number. Now I know that things are possible for me. Its like opening the window and letting fresh air to come in. My world isn’t so depressed and gloomy anymore. It will take enormous effort to build my confidence but its possible…

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