When I was drinking I didnt care what I feel as longest I wasn’t too much in pain or going out of my mind when anxiety hits. Who cared if I was unhappy, happy, sad or bored. I was always sedated and most of the time had no idea whats going on anyways. My feelings came in the last place.

I mean why do feelings even matter? I never understood the point of feeling. Why does it matter if you feel sad or happy? Isnt that the same thing?

Now they do matter because I dont want to go back to drinking. If I am bored I can drive myself crazy out of my mind. The hardest part for me is dealing with that underlying misery and silent, non aggressive angriness that mostly comes from disappointment in life due to my inability. I guess low energy and acid flux has really pinned me down as well. I sleep and sleep. I have a feeling its due to acidosis, its when your blood becomes acidic due to chronic drinking. That leads to your body not being able to get all the nutrients from the food, which explains all my symptoms..

I hate mood swings

I cant deal when I psych myself out. When I get too excited or too angry. Worst thing is that I usually dont really notice that it is coming. I get so into particular mood and when I realize it is simply too late. Like for example when last time I was blogging all night then drank stupid coffee. Couldn’t fall asleep. Slept like one hour then had to wake up to go to work and my thoughts were running wildly, I was swimming in the air. Anxiety through the roof and I was still hooked up to my last nights ridiculous feelings which dont make any sense. They just dont make sense and make me feel insane like I am not normal and creepy….They make me not trust myself, its so weird.

Mindfulness is the only drug free prescription

I just went through the mood swing an hour ago while going to the store to get some decaf coffee. I felt how I started getting angrier and frustrated more and more. Thankfully due to mindfulness I was aware of it and took it for what it is. Its just feelings. Feel them and let it go, there is no need to be stuck. As frustration and angriness was flooding me I was like “no, not this again. I dont want to feel this way and go crazy”. I consciously started looking for the way out. Taking deep breaths and calming myself down.

As soon as I got home I took a warm bath, made some caffeine free coffee and lighted up the candle. Candle light eases me into relaxed mood, bath relaxed my muscles. I must say it is working so far. I have really eased up and kind of feeling relaxed at the moment. Needless to say calming down wasn’t instant thing as I am used to with drinking, but eventually it happened.

Mindfulness have opened my eyes to be honest. I never knew what awareness was before and how to use it. It is still hard to crack it but I am learning more about it and actually practicing. I dont want to be on any drugs and it is possible if you work hard using natural remedies and ways that people have used for centuries.

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