I took my parents to the airport. Smoked a few cigarettes on my way home. Definitely went back and forth about drinking and how I am going to deal with that. I am completely alone. Last time I went on a crazy binge. I would love to fuck everything but this desire wasn’t as big as the previous one. I just drove home and went to sleep after finishing my coloring (yes, in the middle of the day). I never get to be alone, so part of me was really happy about it. There is something peaceful about feeling emptiness in the air and knowing no one is here. I was thinking that this was my opportunity to discover myself and why? If I can stay sober by myself for myself. What is my true reason to endure all this pain that being sober requires? I can get drunk right now and try to hide it, probably won’t get fired if I call off work either.
I woke up and felt like the quietness was detoxing me from all the chaos and stress. I can truly do whatever I like and no one will ever know. I finally have my desired freedom of no one watching. I still closed the door of my room, fearing someone would show up unexpectedly..
As time went on that night I slowly became more and more relaxed, I did some things that I haven’t done in years mostly because being alone at home has been extremely rare lately, and it would last only for a couple hours.
For some reason I felt that I had a long productive Saturday even though it was nothing special or different.
I felt that I started to become more connected to my fish tank as my fish were the only live things. I took my time to watch them, care for their tank by doing water changes, etc.
I decided to go to the store to buy some food. I was like so relaxed that I started questioning wtf is wrong with me? Besides food I bought an aromatherapy diffuser and some oils. I like being around people in the store knowing they don’t give a fuck about me. No pressure, just watching and realizing it’s hard to be truly alone even if you are alone.
Woke up again with my heart racing and digestion issues. I need training on mindful eating. How to slowly chew and have normal portions of food. Besides my doctor told me no fucking food before bedtime, but I still ate doughnuts and sunflowers seeds before going to sleep. Overstuffed myself as fucking usual.
I had a very intense dream about…doesn’t matter, it was complicated, and I was emotionally disturbed. Tried to make some tea that I drank in between sleeping all day. I loved the new aroma from my diffuser in the room. It’s not an overpowering smell though.
I was planning on going to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at the rehab where I went for 28 day inpatient treatment but just couldn’t wake up properly and smoking cigarettes surely made things more complicated, so the rest of the day I just stared at my computer and overate as always.
At 7 pm I decided to go to the park. Maybe being completely alone eventually pushes me to seek some kind of human connection? besides I needed exercise even if it’s just walking and changing my environment. I loved watching dogs and I noticed that Arabian people have nice family values cause they had picking and stuff.
I feel that this time alone can really help me to reset my bad habits and make me more normal, as I have to take care of myself. It kind of helps me to find my identity, as I get to choose things and don’t have to constantly be involved with people. Ahhhh, it’s nice!
So I boiled some eggs for tomorrow and have salad that I bought on Saturday. Plus my dishes are all clean and everything came naturally to me. I’m actually starting to care about planning! but yeah I still encountered thoughts like, fuck everything, let’s go on drinking binge and how I could possibly hide it. I mean there is still some time, it’s only 11:20 but then I think about all the effort I put into my sobriety. It would be so hard to start from the beginning and manage all those cravings. I question if I would have the motivation to get back. It is so quiet here, just my fan making sounds, and I love it so much. Nothingness is so freeing and seducing. It is slowly seducing my soul into blissfulness.
I woke up as usual, but what was unusual was that I made my own lunch, even though it was just a salad that I have thrown from one container to other, ate some eggs and made it to work.
Monday’s always hard because I do nothing physical over the weekend, so I get really tired after I am done with my shitty job. What was nice is that when I got back home I took a hot bath while I turned on the air conditioning in the living room. It is so nice to go out from the bath (it’s like a fucking sauna room in there) to the cold (living room). I grabbed a bunch of pillows and a blanket and sat on the carpet floor. I missed the feeling of the carpet. It has a nice texture to it. I was so tired but after resting a bit made myself go to the park anyways.
Didn’t go to the park today. Started having issues with food. How do you make chicken soup? Bought some Chinese beef fried rice it was fucking good probably due to the extra fat the cook put in it, but the price is not sustainable, $7 for fucking rice? I wouldn’t have had any problems if the portion was a little bit bigger and guess what? They didn’t even put the plastic fork in. I started thinking that due to my acid shitflux I should put myself on a juice diet since I am all alone now and can use that to focus on the things that are important and take effort to accomplish. I spent a lot of time driving around to various stores thinking about this idea but hesitated due to not being sure if I can find a juicer at home and what vegetables and fruit I should buy. For example the weirder idea of using not standard vegetables which bring more health benefits like potato or lettuce. Who wants to juice them? So I was planning to leave this idea alone for tonight and do some research on the internet about vegetables that I should get into. I bought some chicken at the end, ha only paid 3 dollars with taxes and it was all broiled already.
I’ll skip 6 days…so it’s day 10
Today is gloomy and raining, that’s why I am taking my break in my car so I can enjoy this soul-soothing weather while it lasts. My brain is at ease, except shakes from coffee.
I was thinking you know, I drank so I could achieve calmness. I like being calm. I just wanted all the stimulation to shut up and let me be. I get so tired of it. There is always something going on. All the stupid feelings that force me to feel and feel. What’s even more hopeless is when I was trying to chase them and let them be my truth. Truth isn’t what I feel. Truth exists despite what I feel.
I have put myself in prison because I liked being a prisoner. There is no doubt of my degradation, too bad that all prisoners don’t know how to live in freedom. Freedom is scary. First of all, once you get out it’s hard to believe that you are free. You just want to go back to what’s been normal all those years in the past.
Today was refreshing when my co-worker was late and I went to fuck with someone: he said why don’t you start, don’t you want to leave early? My answer: No, no one’s holding me here, I can leave any time I want. I was kind of in disbelief of what I said but it felt good. I often give my power and freedom away. Perhaps if I can change how I view things I will become more self driven. I whine too much.
Whining isn’t good, but again I felt/feel like shit. That’s my biggest excuse. After I quit drinking I started to hear my body screaming in the form of pain signals. I guess that’s why addiction is so tricky, you can mask anything you want even the physical pain.
I took a day off work. Spent all day just laying in bed. I knew that deep down I shouldn’t have taken off. It will just increase my isolation and I’ll be fucked.
I am fucked and scared to go to work. I am scared of people.
I need to talk about day 10. So when I got home I was eating Chinese beef fried rice and my heart started to race to the point where I was short of air and just didn’t know what the fuck to do. I was so freaked out that I called the ambulance. Fuck do I hate being embarrassed in front of my noisy neighbors.
I ended up driving myself to the emergency room all fucked up since I felt slightly better after being checked out in the ambulance. I was in the state of being confused and felt like too many things were going on. Of course I was jerking from being all anxious but I refused to take lorezapam.
Thank God that on my way I didn’t get into a stupid car accident, at the last second I was able to save myself..
It’s Friday. I was making chicken soup and kale salad all night. Finished my cooking at 4am. This was one of the rare times of me making my own food. I was getting sick of fast food which probably doesn’t help with my acid reflux.
It made me realize about me being all hyped up on Fridays. How did I put to use all that energy? At the end my actions would leave me worse off. So what’s the point of being hyped about something that just sabotages you and your health?