Awareness is a big word when it comes to addiction recovery. Sometimes I think about how I wasn’t aware of my drinking compulsion. Deep down, yes, I was aware of my drinking problem in terms of hangovers and other negatives but I just couldn’t grasp the whole compulsion thing.
Even when I was asked what I like about drinking alcohol while in rehab, I couldn’t answer that. The question left me puzzled. I thought that drinking was only about pleasure. Doesn’t anyone know that? Why even ask such a dumb question?
I was too narrow-minded to seek any help. How can talking or listening to someone make me sober?
Given the fact that I couldn’t answer a simple question about what drinking means to me, how could I have become sober by myself? My idea of becoming sober was to ask a doctor for sleep medications so I can use them to knock myself out every time the craving hit me.
I was so compulsion driven that everything seemed ridiculous. The sad part is that I wasn’t truly aware of how far my drinking has taken me. They say that no one wakes up one day alcoholic but I would like to beg them differently. I did wake up one day, alcoholic and it was all due to the lack of self-awareness. I was scared and in disbelief of how I got here.
Question for you
That’s another thing that I need to work on, fear. When I think about it, fear is preventing me from doing a lot of things I want...
Being aware of awareness is life changing. It is only because of awareness that I am dismantling my compulsion as time goes on. I didn’t drink just because of pleasure, that is so naive to think. I loved the whole ritual. The bottom line is that I was rewarding myself for feeling like a looser or for any other negative feelings I had. No wonder my whole life and me were so negative. I needed negativity so I can give myself permission to drink and when drinking slowly stopped being there for me, I was in deep trouble. Drinking was the only thing I knew for six years. No wonder first days and months sober are so hard and many people relapse.
Finding the joy in life through awareness
Once I tackled my biggest compulsivity through self-awareness, other ones started to crumble too. In a way, I stepped back and realized that the things I am being sold to don’t work. It is always easier to blindly follow than to think for oneself because taking my time to stop and think is inconvenient. It is unnatural. It is easier to react; Oh, I feel bad or jealous so I will drink, I deserve it!
I guess the biggest thing for me in sobriety is that I take the time to stop and look around me. I finally don’t have to keep on running anymore. My life doesn’t have to be a chaos. The only way to feel any joy is to bring good things to your attention, for me, it is usually going back and think how my day went or just sit in silence and try to see what my mind is rambling about while trying to feel my surroundings. Have you ever been aware of your awareness?