There is one regret that has ultimately pushed me. One that I have always feared while being in my drinking career. It became my reservation to quit. It is here now (quitting), I am somehow doing it.
While drinking I was always scared that one day I will have to pay for my fuck everything attitude. Its been amazingly fun to fuck everything. I would tell myself I don’t need anything, everything is pointless why bother dealing with my feelings. Thats the key word: dealing, when I have the liquid that can help me to escape from everything and bring me enormous pleasure for the short time too. Wonder drug that makes unicorns real and jealousy disappear Lets be real it is easier to play a victim and blame being addicted to alcohol, thats why I drink, then take responsibility for dealing with my feelings. Dealing is pain and I wanted to do only what I wanted, not what I needed. Somehow down the line I couldn’t deal with my disappointments and I simply gave up on my goals. My failed goals were the only thing that kept me in line of doing things that I didnt like in the past. As soon as I gave them up I stopped exercising the power of making myself go beyond my wants. In alcoholics anonymous they are right by saying that alcoholics are self centered, self pleasure seekers, thats exactly what I am. I am a little bit better now by dealing with my shit like every fucking day, but still, I am just starting to realize the true promise of sobriety, the opportunity to do what I don’t want.
Its either doing what I dont want or having the biggest regret of my life that I could never forgive myself for.
I could never forgive myself for letting alcohol rob me out of my life. I imagine I would have been laying in the hospital bed and doctors telling me that my liver or heart has irreversible damage. I cant imagine myself being old, drunk and have not achieved anything in my entire life besides constantly putting poison in my mouth. That is sad, very sad. I dont know its like I have traveled in the future and experience that exact moment of what I fear, those two seconds when I want to get my time back so I can redo everything but I cant, you cant reverse time. That would be the true definition of hopelessness for me.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of things, maybe that’s why I have hard time having interests. I feel most things are useless. Hello sober me, I cant even watch tv or play video games anymore. Watching tv is so pointless. Why would you want to sit there and watch things that are not real? Logically it doesn’t make any sense…
I am resisting my destiny. Its like a curse because I cant let go or it doesn’t want to leave me alone, the things that I was meant to accomplish. Drinking is saying no to your destiny. Not doing things that you dont want to is saying no to your destiny. That is called unlawful imprisonment my friend.
Drinking raped my soul. People who are hardcore alcohol abusers are soulless. When I was drinking life was meaningless. Meaning is getting your soul back. I always thought that feelings are stupid, who needs feelings? I was just a machine looking the way to avoid hangover.
I am scared because I never took my time to find my soul. I did tried it when I was younger but instantly, basically no young kids care about finding their souls, what I am saying that made me kind of weird and I have shut down simply because someone said something and I took it as me being creepy…
I have different thoughts that I withhold from exploring. I went on a book binge and during a few weeks I have read over six books. They been so profound that it have opened doors to a new understandings. The experience of being addicted to alcohol have made me wiser and only because I have decided to quit. Maybe I am ready.
It is not death most people are afraid of. It is getting to the end of life only to realize that you never truly lived.
There was a study done, a hospital study on 100 elderly people facing death close to their last breath. They were asked to reflect about their life’s biggest regret. Nearly all of them said they regretted not the things they did but the things they didn’t do, the risks they never took, the dreams they didn’t pursue.
Why do you exist? Life was not meant to simply work, wait for the weekend and pay rent. No, no. I don’t know much but I know this… Every person on this earth has a gift and I apologize to the black community but I can no longer pretend. Martin Luther King. That man never had a dream, that dream had him.
See, people don’t choose dreams, dreams choose them, so the question I am going into is… Do you have the courage to grab the dream that picked you? Or would you let it get away and slip through.
You know I learned a fact about airplanes the other day. This was, this was so surprising. See, I was talking to a pilot and he told me that many of his passengers think planes are dangerous to fly but he said actually, it is a lot more dangerous for a plane to stay on the ground. I said what? uh? How does that sound? He said, he said because on the ground the plane starts to rust, malfunction and wear much faster than it ever would if it was in the air. As I walked away I thought yeah, it makes total sense because planes where built to live in the skies and every person was built to live out the dream they have inside. So it perhaps the saddest loss to live a life on the ground without ever taking off.
See most of us are afraid of the thief that comes in the night to steal all of our things but there is a thief in your mind who is after your dreams. His name is doubt, if you see him call the cops and keep him away from the kids cusz hes wanted for murder for he’s killed more dreams then failure ever did. He wears many disguises and like a virus will leave you blinded, divided and turn you into a kinda…
See kinda is lethal, you know what kinda is. It is a lot of kinda people. You kinda want a career change, you kinda wanna get straight A’s, you kinda want to get in shape.
Simple math no numbers to crunch, if you kinda want something, then you kinda get results you want.
What is your dream? What would ignite that spark? You cant kind of want that. You have to want that with every part of your whole heart.
Would you struggle? Yeah, yeah you would struggle, no way around it. You will fall many times but who is counting? Just remember, there is no such things as a smooth mountain.
If you want to make it to the top there are sharp ridges that must be stepped over. There will be times that you will get stressed, things you get depressed over. But let me tell you something.
Steven Spielberg was rejected from film school three times, three times but he kept going.
The television executives fired Oprah, said she wasn’t fit for TV but she kept going…
Critics told Beyonce that she couldn’t sing. She went through depression but she kept going.
Struggle & Criticism are prerequisites for greatness. That is a law of universe and no one escapes it because pain is life when you can choose what type, either the pain to the road of success or the pain of being haunted with regret.
You want my advice? Dont think twice. We have been given a gift that we call life so dont blow it.
You are not defined by your past instead you are born a new each moment so own it. Now.
Sometimes you got to leap and grow your wings on the way down.
You better get the shot out before clock runs out cusz there is no overtime in life, no do over and I know I sound like I am preaching, speaking with force but if you don’t use your gift you sell not only yourself but the whole world short.
So what invention you have burning in your mind, what idea, what cure, what skill do you have inside to bring out to this universe. Uni meaning one, verse meaning song. You have the part to play in this song so grab that microphone and be brave, sing your heart out on life’s stage.
You cannot go back and make a brand new beginning but you can start now and make a brand new ending.
Why quit drinking?