So I kept waking up through the night chugging down Apple cider vinegar. It seems the only solution for my acid reflux so far. It is not going away. It causes me anxiety when it gets really bad, I want to jump out my body. I keep anti-acid meds in my pocket just like during those times in the past when I was abusing alcohol. My pockets would be full of various over the counter meds. I had full medicine cabinet on the go, anything to get me  through the day so after work I could rush to the liquor store and get my daily dose of sedation.

I feel I have gotten used to my pain during my drinking time so much that it is normal thing for me. In some ways my brain actually craves feeling pain now when it is absent, thankfully I still have more then enough. It is not normal for me to feel alright.

When I feel good, I unconsciously seek out the pain by sabotaging my body. I have no other explanation for this. Why do I choose to sabotage myself as soon as I feel good? I do something stupid like smoking almost full pack of cigarettes (I am not really a smoker), drinking shitload of coffee which fucks up things with acid even more or eat something hard to digest when I know I have digestion issues.

I love vomiting, especially when I was drinking. It would make me feel alive. My body would be under the stress, crazy anxiety because I wouldn’t know if I will go into withdrawal stage. Will my heart go into irregular beat this time? It has been cardioverted twice. Its when you heart goes into irregular heart beat and beats super fast so they have to shock it back to rhythm. First time it happened to me when I was detoxing from energy drinks after I quit my first job. It was actually the reason why I overdosed. It was such a fast paced job and I went to high school as well. Basically full time job and highschool in the unknow country. I just have moved here. I was a fuking weirdo, I didnt speak in english at all. Stress was eating me out. I would be so tired at work that I would just go to the bathroom so I can sit down and fucking cry my guts out. No noone forced me to work. I wanted. I was fueled up like a fuck. It was my new life. I wasnt a looser anymore in the eyes of the past people. I ran away, I have moved to the other side where noone knew me. It was perfect, happiest day of my life and scariest when it comes to the plane part. I went crazy inside my mind when we were taking off. I was shaking so badly but I am proud that I was able to hide that. My face appeared empty without  trace of any emotions. Eventually my body literally numbed itself out from shock.

Vomiting is very comforting when you are having a hangover. When you freaking out it relaxes you, it reminds you that you are sick. It helps me to express my feelings. Feelings of hurt, being sick of the same things and my long list of shortcomings. There are feelings that cannot be expressed in words. Do you really think that a few words and sounds that we created are capable of expressing the infinity? There are things in us that we are not even aware of. Perfect example of our limited awarness would be that dogs hear sounds that we as humans cant and thats just one example. Our exploration of self is limited to our knowledge. Sad thing is that we are too busy and preoccupied to even try to explore ourselves using our known senses.

By vomiting I would detox psychologically even though It is damaging at the same time…

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