From hero to zero. I am having a hard time caring about anything these days. I just don’t careMaybe it is a period in early recovery; I still consider myself being at the beginning of recovery despite the fact that I am over a year sober. If anyone would have told me that a year isn’t that much when I reached a week or 30 days of sobriety I would have called them crazy.

Why is a year of sobriety isn’t that long?

Mostly due to post acute withdrawal symptoms, I still have them. They usually begin in a couple of months after stopping drinking alcohol. Digestion issues, anxiety, being tired all the time, random headache. Every day is some personal trauma going at work on that I need to hide. It is very tiring and discouraging.

I remember first month’s in sobriety when I was so fired up about changing everything in my life and now? It’s like ‘beep”. I can’t even get out of bed in the morning after sleeping 12+ hours. The only time I seem happy is right after punching out to go home after work because I know if another anxiety strikes I am safe. No embarrassment or change of losing my job.

I guess reality caught up to me. It will take some time for me to recover from my addiction which I often forget especially during those rare days when I feel awesome. I was naive for thinking that I can get a second job and be this all new great person. I am not going to lie; rehab was inspiring.

Pink cloud: comes and goes

 Benefits of going to addiction rehab

Going to rehab helped me to escape my addiction. It is funny how I used addiction to escape from life and at the end, I had to escape from my addiction. That just shows that there is nothing permanent. No pleasure that I get from drinking alcohol will last forever. It is one of the biggest determinants not to go back to boozing. Of course, the pain that my addiction caused me at the end also a good motivator.

Rehab was all about grieving and living out the story of an addict who’s found hope for a better future. It was quality time spent with the fellow alcoholics and junkies.

I remember how we went to narcotics anonymous convention in downtown Chicago. Three vans were full of us! Afterward, we stopped at the white castle, and our counselors bought each of us a slider. It was Friday night and downtown was in party mode. While sitting in the van we started joking about what things we do in rehab compared to ordinary people in life, how we talk about our feelings and such. Everyone started laughing, and then we saw these two hot girls possibly going to the party, so we have begun beeping. It was fun, but we all understood how much of the fuck-ups we are.

Rehab helped me to get in touch with myself, but I wouldn’t want to continue that life where you have no control over your schedule although a lot of people get stuck there (those who always relapse). 

Is lack of motivation means I’m depressed?

Maybe. But in a way, I take my time to enjoy being free of guilt and shame that I felt before. It is like a lot of weight has been lifted. I guess that is my greatest excuse for not caring. I just enjoy of being sober. That’s a joke, right?

Lack of serotonin in my brain makes even the most necessary tasks like doing my taxes painful. I know there is a name, not beautiful one for this condition. They call it something…retardation. I forgot the first word.

I read it that it usually happens when you stop poisoning yourself with alcohol, it is one of the post-acute withdrawal symptoms. I hope it won’t last for long, though.

When I get home my plan is sleep, sleep, and sleep. Fuck, it sucks.
Life’s simplest things like interaction with other human beings or dealing with daily problems stress the hell out of me, after all since I became sober I feel like a toddler learning new things.

Gas and brakes of human motivation

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