I don’t know what makes me happy, I have some ideas what I think would make me happy but that doesn’t mean they will. Washy hopes and dreams will always stay just what they are, not reality, but I spend or used to, so much time focusing on my wishes. Add some alcohol, and I am on fire!

There was no limit to my wild imagination, part of me is ashamed of what I imagined while drinking, I think it was one of the coping mechanisms to survive of having no life. Although I am not very proud of the life, I have now, but back then I was incapable of processing experiences that I had thorough the day. To my surprise one day in my recovery I realized that I am starting to feel a much deeper connection to my surroundings, people, and experiences. I thought: wow! This is unexpected. Maybe that’s the reason why I lost the capability of caring while drinking and life seemed colorless, dull and flavorless. It was either experiencing withdrawal or being sedated by ethanol. The only moment of excitement was going to the liquor store after work. I can lie as much as I want but I was never happy drunk, so drunkenness meant only being sedated, sometimes not enough as it occasionally caused outbursts of angriness and violence followed by regret and shame in the morning.

TAKING THAT STEP

Becoming sober meant that I would have to let go of what I thought was my only happiness, alcohol. It made me nervous not knowing how I will survive? You see most of us don’t even realize what we are going through at the moment and that can complicate things. There is nothing worst than being confused; I was unable to identify why alcohol was my source of happiness because that meant I would need to question my master. I refused to question due to my endless devotion; I woke up, went to work and lived for my addiction. Every action was for my substance abuse, and I repeated same actions for over six years of my drinking. Looking back after being 1.5+ years sober the only reason why alcohol made me happy is that I let my addiction take control of me. I put every effort to maintain a normal life for it, not me, unaware that my devotion will just sink me deeper into the shit abyss. Addiction is an exact definition of a parasite, it destroys its own host, there is no way of surviving, but it blows my mind how masterful it is, even after stopping drinking it is always there, and so fucking sneaky too!

It develops cravings that make me feel that I want to drink, but I do not…. It can be confusing and lead to devastating results, relapse. The only way to protect oneself is to develop awareness. Cravings do not mean that I want to drink, they are just energy outbursts that I am not yet capable of properly channeling since I stopped my old behavior of reacting to it which was drinking.
Drinking didn’t make me happy it only gave me fulfillment, a thank you so do speak for my devotion to satisfying daily compulsion. In the end, satisfying compulsion to drink became more pleasurable than alcohol itself. Alcohol was just a form of expression that I was able physically put in my body. You might ask how do I know that? It’s true because there would be many days when I wouldn’t want to drink anymore aka get tired of beers, I tried every one of them during active addiction but yet forced myself to drink so that I can satisfy that compulsion. How insane is that? – I would think in disbelief while getting drunk even though I don’t want to.

NO MEANS THOUSAND YESESs

One of the hardest things to figure out in my early recovery days was that saying no to drinking will just intensify my desire to do so; it is always easier to look and question bad sides of drinking instead of forcing yourself to go dry. It takes time that’s why I am so lucky that I got to go to rehab, intensive outpatient program afterward and even attend mental health groups while staying in the hospital during my initial detox period. This mistake is made too often…
My sobriety depends on letting go hope of any happiness.
It didn’t take me long to conclude while being in rehab that I need to let go of my compulsive dreaming, wishing and expectations of ever being happy. It was becoming more evident as I started questioning alcohol use for happiness, my set beliefs of what will make me feel good were drowning me in misery. Number one they didn’t work, number two, I couldn’t have them anyway.
You will hear the saying that recovery is a process, I am still in that process of letting it go so I can survive.

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