I woke up all ashamed, worried and my feelings are mixed. There was a time in the past where I was running out of jobs due to my driving license being suspended; I had no choice but to go back to the pizza place where I used to work while in high school near my home(walking distance). For some reason, I was extremely ashamed, not like I do an any better job now but going back was shameful especially when after quitting that place I had energy drink withdrawal, and my heart started to have irregular beats. Another part was that it is the only place where I truly worked my guts out and give over 100%. Honestly, I am trying to process why I am shameful, mostly because while working there I was doing great. I wasn’t beat up drunk.

Past regrets

When going back there, in a way, I had to pretend that I am who I was in the past. Hard working, focused, goal oriented person who had many dreams of making it, perhaps even becoming business owner one day. By the time I turned 18 I had 10k saved, that sad I was only making $200 a week while going to high school and working there. Of course, I was burned out unbelievable where I would fall asleep during the class in school and my teachers would call my parents asking if I am on drugs but I kept my grades in top shape and that’s for the kid who immigrated from some shithole in Europe barely speaking any English, I remember falling asleep on the floor while doing my homework.

My overall ambition was unbelievable, and I guess going back there to ask for a job because my license was suspended, for obvious reason, I can’t stop drinking, stirred up all these feelings of what I have become. Alcohol made me stop progressing, and I was pretending that I don’t have a drinking problem when in reality my world was crumbling, and I was in denial about it.

I was thinking of the ways how will I spin this whole shit to them about not having a driver’s license and having to walk to work on my two feet just like I used to do in highschool. It was fucking degrading, but at that time I would go unimaginable lengths to preserve my alcoholic life.

Dream of shame

I did fill out the job application and said I was willing to work part time, after some time they called me back with the offer for full time but luckily I got a job in a hospital as an environmental service technician, so I never had to go back there.

Today I dreamt that they found out about my dirty secret. I guess for some reason it brought up a lot of shame in me, it was an intense drinking dream. During the dream, I was still in my drinking life, so I felt again what is like to be drunk. I was in terrible denial during that time(in real life) when I went back to ask for a job, happy when drunk, but deep down humiliated.

There is no worst combination than a desire and shame that wrecks your life, stripping away any left dignity out of you. While drinking, I was living two lives that always interfered with each other. There was no peace, just clashing.

I had to constantly get my fix so I can temporarily forget about all the shame and just fuck it all. Knowing that at the end of the night there will be alcohol made my shame manageable. The most fucked up thing is that I was hiding my addiction from myself because most of the people already knew…

 

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