Change is invisible. We change through dreams, withdrawals, pain, sorrows and various experiences. Too often the feedback of change arrives too late as we look back in regret wishing we kept going. It is also hard to see the progress we made since we look for it in wrong places, measuring in terms of material and visible things. We never take into account the massive changes that our psychic has to make to survive after we start closing the door to never drinking again.
During first days sober shock takes over, and we spend the significant amount of time trying to prove to ourselves and others how great is sobriety. “ Omg, I woke up early today or look at how many books I read.” We give credit to a higher power for finding an empty spot in the parking lot and go to alcoholics anonymous meeting to share that joyfully!
Although we don’t drink anymore, we expect our future to be sedated and feel all right like before, minus all the bad things addiction causes. We will seek out anything even if it doesn’t exactly feel like drinking to experience that fake feel of satisfaction. Should I try the non-alcoholic beer, kombucha, kava-kava, try spending more money? We grasp for drunkenness unknowingly. My thoughts about drinking or not drinking would consume most of the mental energy in early days. Everything became about not drinking…
We try to justify or find reasons to drink, it’s almost like we secretly wish for something bad to happen, so there is something to blame. So many times we say fuck it I will pretend stupid and get drunk, just this once, but I promise you those super close moments are what builds sobriety. That’s when we finally start breaking apart from our compulsion and develop a new space. Too often we never get there; we get cheated out of it by pitty and our lack of belief that there will be a day when cravings will subside. Don’t stop; this is your time to experience pain and that moment of triumph when you look back and tell yourself: ” I am one though motherfucker….”