I wake up and immediately get hit with tons of problems. My senses are going crazy, from being dehydrated to having goopy eyes. The body is literally in shock from facing the reality of being poisoned last night.

 First thought of the day is damage control. I don’t trust my memories anymore. I check my phone, text messages and anything that would allow me to make contact with any human being. I try to run last night’s story to make sure if I did something embarrassing it was around strangers who I will never see again.

Will I have alcohol withdrawal today?

That’s my first biggest fear when I wake up, is having messed up to the point that people around me(work) realize about my drinking problem, that’s why I usually try to do safe drinking which includes drinking alone by myself while gaming or watching tv. The only people I trust drinking around is my family members, they know…

Headaches become part of the routine; they can be managed by getting a lot of water in me which is my next stop.
I feel all dizzy, heart is racing, oh my god how much I hate having my heart race. It immediately triggers anxiety of dying after I had an irregular heartbeat in the past.

Combine that with an unsettling feeling in my stomach and my trip to the sink to get some water becomes a challenge where I am trying not to faint. I am a beer drinker (learned what vodka’s hangover is like early on in my drinking career), lots of fluids get filtered through my body, water is no exception, it goes in and out by the gallons. Drinking addiction is truly about obsessively drinking something, if not alcohol then water 24/7.

I get myself in my bed to let my dizziness subside so I can clear up some space in my mind for the what’s next thoughts. I can’t bare to think of how I will get through the day at work. It is too much for me, so I just try to focus on what is next, how to survive the next minute. I am all sweating, and my face all fucked up, I hate red color for a good reason. It gives away my addiction on my face.

As I write this, I need to take frequent breaks so I can breathe in deeply to control my mild anxiety that these memories produce. It doesn’t help that I feel every word and the trauma that all this life has created in me.

It is true that the only happy day was yesterday when I was drinking. With alcohol, it was always about last night, and that short time right before drinking and going to the liquor store when your brain is bursting with uncontrollable excitement, the rest is pain and unknown, you never know if today is the day when you will have painful withdrawal symptoms. It can hit you from nowhere, anywhere, even though you try to control your body as much as you can.

The illusion of control gives hope that somehow a herb tea or drinking loads of water can cure the hangover, heal it, so you don’t have to experience that ridiculous alcohol withdrawal when your life turns into unbearable hell.

I don’t fucking care

I will take care of this or that later. It is later and later. I don’t have room in my brain to think about things now. I have to pretend to be not in hangover pain, act healthy and consciously tell myself that this is just anxiety and all my strange thoughts are just symptoms of last night. I have to ignore the flood of crazy ideas that won’t stop appearing in my head especially the ones that keep persisting on repeating themselves. If I let them take control of me I will start doing things that will stand out in the crowd. Yes, I am fucking crazy, but I will make sure you won’t know about that. Thanks to my acting skills I will act normally till I can’t take it anymore.

Small conversations at work are painful. I have 0% interest in anything. Everything looks stupid. I make things up on the spot because I have no life, the only thing I do is have blackouts. You will often find me referencing to news or any other bullshit; there will never be anything personal. I hide my life because it is empty.

My opinion about you? Your fucking problems, emotions, and reactions are fucking stupid, why do I deserve to be in the center of it when I am so much in pain. I will never tell you this but will smile at you and pretend that I am interested in what you have to say.

When I go to the bathroom

So I can lay on the cold floor. I don’t give a shit about not being it sanitary.

I have perfected throwing up act. I either flush the toilet and vomit while water is going down the toilet so you can never hear me vomiting or do it very quietly if it’s a single occupancy bathroom. A bathroom is my safe heaven where I deal with my crippling anxiety and ask magical powers to save me, just this one time…

Do I ever think of stopping drinking?

Sometimes but the powerful habits take over me, and I find myself drunk again. My fights to quit are hopeless, and even before trying to resist to getting drunk I know I lost. I am happy if this is the moment of me getting drunk, tomorrow going to be another day of hell. Who knows if I will make it?

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